Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

Stop.

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

i love modern commerce

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,