Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
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As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
hardest line in real life
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time