Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

is this store having a stroke wtf

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.