@MelvinofYork

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

- @MelvinofYork

You Might Also Like

@hippieswordfish

*emerges from a large magic lamp,* it’s me the Reasonable genie, please only wish for things like ‘drive me to the airport’

@sad_tree

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

@notacroc

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

@FunkyFresh_79

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

@SteveKoehler22

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

@kumailn

“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”

@notsosupermom_

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

@onume_

The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there’s an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof