Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

- @MelvinofYork

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*emerges from a large magic lamp,* it’s me the Reasonable genie, please only wish for things like ‘drive me to the airport’


*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost


Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob


Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games


Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50


“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”


“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.


My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.


The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there’s an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.


Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof