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@MelvinofYork: Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
@TweetPotato314: me: this haunted house is so scary
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
@DanKCharnley: he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
@iFluff8: Millions of people are killed every year because they didn't check behind the shower curtain first.
Peep before you poop.
@KrunkedRobot: Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.