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@MelvinofYork: Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
@ddsmidt: Not to brag, but I've been told I'm a fine one to talk.
@kathybotteas: If the emoji I wanna text is not in the "recently used," you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
@SortaBad: I've upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony
@djdarrellripley: Me: Don't be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
@aissalanis: Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?