Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

what the

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

it be like that

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

long lost

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

this is the most humiliating day of my life

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?