Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”