Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.