Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

Morning my dudes.

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus