wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

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What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?


When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.


I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.


After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.


“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole


“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”


“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.


I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.