WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
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[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
Coffee for people with no kids
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.