WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
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Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
See..?
.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer