wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
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If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Anarchy
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.