Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

The opposite of goth is stopth.

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39