wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing