wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
You Might Also Like
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
A double negative is a big no-no.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Danger is very dangerous
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I am crying
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]