Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.