Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

Please vote for people who are attractive

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied