Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
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Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?