Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
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I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.