Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
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I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
this is the news I live for
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
Worth the read.
