Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
You Might Also Like
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.