Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

Let’s Go

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal