Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
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my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’