Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.