WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
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Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!