WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
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It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this