Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

Toxic snake

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.