Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

At least try to make it slightly believable

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner