Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm