Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morning all.

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

good news everyone

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

this is 10/10 content no notes

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

If you love someone, let them tweet.

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”