Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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A lot of folks out there missing the point…

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

Realize this:

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

(more comics:

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.