Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

translated into Canadian

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities