WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
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Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Attacked by a mop.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.