Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

This is the best one I’ve seen

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

In space, no one can hear…

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is