*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
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trivia
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.