Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?