*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
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I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.