Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

Deer are just ballerina dogs

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

British websites use biscuits.

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?