[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
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My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched