[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
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My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
🥴😂
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.