Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

This was my dad’s browser history.

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!