*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
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you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Bringing back this classic
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
🐶😂
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
You can’t rush stupid.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
The struggle is real.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
