*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
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I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.