*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
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I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan