Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

Finally, an explanation.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

That’s easy for you to say

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes