Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

Calling in stupid to work tomorrow

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

Feels like the fourth month in January

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.