Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

The 4 stages of a family vacation

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi