Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
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My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶