Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
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6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
as the prophecy foretold
still the best tweet of the year by far
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.