Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk