Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

ㅤ

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one

reduce, reuse, recycle

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

Ha.

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*