Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Not with that attitude
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
