Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
