Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
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I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.