Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

*pokes sex life with a stick

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.