Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
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*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*