Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
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Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.