Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

💀😭

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.