Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
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The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!