Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.