Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Single worst piece of software ever invented
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.