Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.