Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?