WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
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If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
these two trucks have the same bed length
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp