Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

i was baptized in a car wash

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.