Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

It was worth a shot 😂

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!