wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
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Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
she has a point
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier