Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
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Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
🤝
The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
*cough*
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.