Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
You Might Also Like
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
unbelievably distressed by this ad
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out