Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
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Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
What.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.