Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
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Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.