Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!