Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
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Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak