Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

what’s in a name?

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

❤️❤️❤️

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.