Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
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My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*